I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
