maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize