so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
