Whod you bang
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
