and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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