I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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