not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize