know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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