I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
