We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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