Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
