He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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