Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize