i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
