Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
