Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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