I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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