why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
