Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
