if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize