I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
