Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
