i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
