I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
