he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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