Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
