My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
