I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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