god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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