Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
