youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
