The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I have surprise drugs for everyone
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
