Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
