No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
