I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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