alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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