I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
