yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize