I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize