***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
