I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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