Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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