new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize