Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just googled if crying burns calories
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
