Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
