apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
