I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
