it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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