I hate all girls vehemently.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
