I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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