cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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