Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
God I need to hump something, right now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
