i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My dick has a subreddit
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
