I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
