i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
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