we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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