i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
