I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
