I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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