if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
