I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
