Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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