you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
