how can u be prego again
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
