when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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