U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
